In which I make fun of a school storm shelter

In situations of extreme weather conditions, especially tornadoes, the safest and most logical course of action is to go to a predetermined room that has a good design for shelter. The true questions are where the shelter room should be located, and what it should be constructed out of.

According to the opinions of the Providence Classical administration and of myself, the room should be constructed out of drywall, wood, and large glass panel windows encompassing the room, open to the outside. Now, before you begin to throw tomatoes at me, which we all know you want to do so very much, let me explain our reasoning for the storm shelter.

We placed it on the outside of the building proper but still connected so that the students will be able to get to it faster without having the hassle of small hallways. The walls are constructed out of standard drywall material so that art can be drawn on it while the students are trapped under the rubble. We do this in order to continue the trivium of classical education even under extreme duress. The windows were originally designed as small peep-holes but then we realized that windows were far to small to observe Creation in its finest hour so we made near wall to wall windows on two of the four sides of the room in order to observe physics in action. Now, whenever a tornado strikes, the science teachers can spend the hours afterwards teaching all of your children about the Venturi effect and why touching that sparking wire on a dare for some peanuts is a bad idea. The final reason for the windows is so that you can see the tornado coming and duck just in time.

Lastly, we used wood instead of metal for a very clear reason, it is very malleable and flexible. When, a chunk of house hits the side of the shelter, the wood will merely absorb the blow which then adds the chunk of house to your storm shelter making it stronger than before. 

It should be evident that Providence has made the correct design choice for their storm shelters. In my opinion, Providence chose so well, that they should be emulated by families and schools around the country.